Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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