A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
