Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
