I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
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