gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
