3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
