dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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