I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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