I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
