I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Randomize
