fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
