There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
