he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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