Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
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