Soap is not a condiment
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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