I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Randomize