My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Randomize
