i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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