There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Drake has all the answers
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
