you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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