Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
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