I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Randomize
