Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
