i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
