Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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