when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
