Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
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