3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
