He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Randomize
