and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
