So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
