I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
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