i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
