How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
