My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
