i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
