ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
