I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
