and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
