Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
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someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I want to be your penis for a week.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
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If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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