I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
