Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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