Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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