even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
