How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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