I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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