Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
