Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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