If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
In America we eat man semen.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
