who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
He told me they were just razor bumps!
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
