As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
