my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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