closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
